Let us Live Forever and Eat Bacon


There are a lot of people out there that say too much bacon isn’t good for your health. They say it causes heart disease, high cholesterol, and even cancer. With that being said it brings up the age old question. How does one eat large amounts of bacon every day and live past 35? Well my fellow pork belly lovers I think science might have found an answer.

You might have never heard the name Turritopsis Nutricula before (or even know how to pronounce it), but it could be the 21st century fountain of youth. It is a jelly fish that was originally found in the waters of the Caribbean but has now spread around the world. What makes this jelly fish so special is his ability to live forever.

After reaching sexual maturity they mate then return back to sexual immaturity. The process is called Transdifferentiation. The cycle can be repeated indefinitely making this little jelly fish biologically immortal.

As I see it there are two outcomes to this information:

  1. Scientists will use the cells of the jelly fish to cure all diseases, cure all spinal cords injuries, and make us live forever. Then we will use this technology on pigs, giving them ability to regenerate tissue making an endless supply of bacon. And when bacon is readily available for all to eat there will be no more sadness or pain, just joy. So much joy that religion around the world will throw in the towel, declaring that there is no heaven because nothing could be better than this.
  2. Scientists in an effort to make a bacon rich utopia will actually create a race of man eating pigs that can’t be killed. At first, the pigs will just hunt us to near extinction, as human supplies grow low and pig intelligence grows high, the pigs will start to farm humans. We will have to live in small cages eating slop and defecating through a grated floor. As the pigs find religion they start celebrating Christmas and the barbaric tradition of the Christmas ham will be replaced with the Christmas man.

Those are the only two logical fact-based outcomes that exist. I’m really hoping for outcome 1, but 2 might be a little more interesting.

By Sean Brett