The Vegan Agenda Part 3: Farmers from Hell

It is now time to talk about those evil farmers. They dedicated 6 pages to telling and showing all the horrible ways cute little piggies, chickens, cows and fish are treated in slaughter houses. Did you know that these animals are born, then put in cages, fed until they grow big enough and then, (this is the worst part) killed so you can enjoy a hotdog?

Of course you knew that, because you’re not 5 years old. (And if you are 5 years old and are learning this for the first time, deal with it, and oh yea and Santa’s not real) PETA seems to think that anyone that eats meat is some kind of retarded caveman that doesn’t actually know where pork chops come from.

We all know what happens to animals in slaughter houses but do we really need PETA at every event handing out flyers showing a gutted chicken? PETA’s whole strategy is to gross you out and guilt you into not eating meat. But does this even work?

I personally have no problem watching them burn the hair off of a pig’s corpse as I enjoy a large BLT, but I know that not all people handle the sight of blood the same. Even someone that becomes physically sick over these pictures is more than likely going to swing by the McDonalds drive thru and order a double cheese burger when their appetite comes back.

Meat eaters have matured past the time of kindergarten and Disney movies and have gone on to accept the natural order of the food chain. As children, Vegan’s watched way too much Bambi and Charlotte’s Web. Now they can’t walk past a deli counter without crying.

But the Vegan child doesn’t stop there. Just like a little kid, they want everything to be their way and if it’s not they have a temper tantrum. But were a kid’s temper tantrum is a bunch of stomping and crying, the temper tantrum of a full grown Vegan man child includes but is not limited to; protesting, screaming, censorship, destroying privet property, and in some extreme cases causing personal injury and risking lives.

If a person decides for whatever reason to become a Vegetarian or Vegan that’s fine. It’s their life and in this country you are free to live how you see fit. We just don’t need you getting in people’s faces and yelling lies about your lifestyle trying to convert others. Just sit back and eat your Veggie-burger and shut up.

Tune in next week for “Let Me Soy You Something”.

Read more about the evil Vegan Agenda!

By Sean Brett

The Vegan Agenda Part 2: Milk the Silent Killer

Continuing my journey through the Vegan propaganda magazine (read the whole journey), I found a few references to dairy being the cause of osteoporosis. Could this be some new conspiracy where our government and the dairy farmers had lied to us for decades telling us to drink milk so our bones will be strong, only to have that very milk be the cause of the weakening of our skeletal system? All in an attempt to make money and one day easily concur and enslave us in our weaken state. Or could it be possible that once again someone is twisting the data to push their life style on you?

I know most people believe anything they read, especially if it’s in the form of a fake newspaper. Then they go on about it in length at family functions and the work place without taking ten seconds to look any information up about it.

I took those ten seconds and found a website that explains the debate and even sites the research. PETA claims milk causes calcium to be leached from the bones because milk containing protein acidifies your body and your blood pulls bases like calcium out of your bones and teeth to stabilize the acid/base content of your blood. The problem is that milk is not just protein it is also fats and carbohydrates and also eating anything with your morning milk like cereal or fruit would take care of evening out the acid/base ratio.

Another claim is that in the United States milk is consumed at higher rates and we also have higher rates of osteoporosis and countries like Mexico have low consumption of milk and have lower levels of osteoporosis. So that proves it right? Wrong.

There are many differences between the United States and Mexico that could be linked to osteoporosis like genetic inheritance, people closer to the equator get more vitamin D from sunlight, and the Mexican people are more active when it comes to work and play. (You might work in an office building sitting in front of a computer all day then go home and watch TV while in Mexico they don’t have our luxuries so they have to work labor intensive jobs and instead of video games they play soccer.)

I’m sure all this information that shows other possible reasons for osteoporosis was just left out of this magazine by error. PETA would never intentionally try to mislead you.

This s*** rag of a magazine also claims that eating a non-meat diet is just as healthy if not healthier than one including meat. If that’s true, then why does every vegetarian I know take supplements?

One of the articles entitled “What About Protein, Iron, and Vitamin B12?” states that Vegans get all of their needed iron and proteins from soy, nuts, and beans. What about B12? They say that 50 years ago people got their B12 from the bacteria found in water and on fruits and vegetables. As a society we decided it would be better to drink clean water and not eat bacteria covered produce, so we started filtering water and washing tomatoes. So where is one to get their B12 now? You guessed it, meat or supplements. They recommend multivitamins saying they have ample amounts of B12 and claim that B12 in pill form is better, because it will be better absorbed then the B12 from meat.

So after all this talk about this wonderful healthy organic life style it turns out you don’t get all the vitamins you need and you feel it’s ok to replace them with a pill created in a lab. That’s getting back to nature.

Speaking of nature, tune in next week for “Farmers from Hell”.

Read more about the evil Vegan Agenda!

By Sean Brett

The Vegan Agenda Part 1: Celebrities are so smrt… ur smart.

I was down in our nation’s capital (That’s Washington D.C. for those of you that went to public school.) When I was walking down the street, about 3 blocks away from the White House I came across an interesting looking news paper stand. We have all seen these; they’re the big plastic ones that say free on the side and mostly contain house listings. This one was different it had a bunch of pictures of celebrities and I saw in big letters it said recipes inside. I figured I’d check it out since I’m always down for trying new recipes.

As I raised the small news paper to my face the first thing I noticed was Tobey Magurie’s smiling face, the second was big lettering that said, “Go Vegetarian Go Vegan!” Normally I would just throw this away in the nearest sewer drain but I decided to check it out. It’s always a good idea to see other points of view even if you don’t agree with them.

I turned to the first page of this PETA sponsored Vegan Starter Kit and instantly knew I made a mistake. The first two pages were covered with smiling celebrities and quotes’ proving that once again all you need to make it in show business is looks. Here are some of the gems that stuck out.

Sir Paul McCartney: Says “chickens are as intelligent as dogs, cats, and some primates”

I have personally have never seen any of these smart chickens but if they’re as smart as dogs, cats, and monkeys then that must mean they also play, throw and eat their own poop. That must also mean that if we can prove an animal is dumber then a dog it would be ok to eat them.

Constance Marie: (yea I never heard of her either.) Held a chicken once during the filming of “Selena” and it was at that point in her live that she realized for the first time that animals are alive and where chicken nuggets come from.

Carrie Underwood: Says killing animals for meat just makes her sad. I guess we’ll just have to kill them for sport and the sheer fun of it.

Pam Anderson: Says chickens, pigs and other animals are interesting individuals with personality and intelligence. She’s right, have you ever talked to a pig? They are down right charming and would be the life of the party at any social gathering. Especially when they do that trick were they roll in their own feces

I read through all 22 pages of this garbage and found some interesting recurring themes. They like to mention over and over again that Vegans are in perfect health and meat-eaters are over weight. I found 20 different comments saying this, but what I want to know is, if Vegetarians and Vegans are all the perfect body weight then what the hell are Alec Baldwin and Forest Whitaker doing in this magazine? If you believe that Alec Baldwin doesn’t eat cheeseburgers you probably also believe that milks CAUSES osteoporosis. Oh wait… I’m sorry, they claim that too.

Read more about the Vegan Agenda!

By Sean Brett

The Rodeo Burger Helps Restore Faith in Bacon

“The Bacon is a Lie!”


Something is troubling in the world of bacon. When you go to your local grocery store you will now see many products with a label that states, “with bacon.” You will also notice that many restaurant menus are also featuring the meat treat known as bacon. This should be a time to celebrate because it looks like bacon is finally being taken seriously.

Unfortunately it appears that many of these products are just trying to toy with our emotions. The promise of bacon is just not there. After trying the Kraft’s Deli Deluxe Bacon Cheddar I have reached my breaking point. As one of the bacon communities most active members (Iheartbaconsalt) put it, “The Bacon is A Lie!”

These companies know how passionate bacon lovers are and are using that to make a quick buck. They think that if they put the slightest hint of bacon flavoring (or just the appearance of bacon) in there products they can raise the price and we will buy it. And they are right. People see the word bacon and their wallets magically open.

Sadly I am guilty of this myself from time and time. Every time I see that new product with bacon I have to rush to the store and buy it. I always have high hopes that maybe just maybe this time they got it right. Only to have my dreams crushed again and again.

But Not All is Lost

Once again were the large corporations failed the small independently owned restaurants are stepping up their game. After having my heart broken over such products like the Burger King double bacon cheese burger I was ready to throw in the towel. I was going to make a vow to only eat bacon prepared by me in my own kitchen.

Then I went to a small bar near my house called The E Town. On their menu was a Rodeo Burger that came with onion rings, cheese, BBQ sauce, and bacon. Once again, against my better judgment the love of bacon made me order it.

At first glance it didn’t seem all that special and then I took a bite. I actually sat back in shock and for a split second didn’t recognize the taste in my mouth. I was expecting cheese, ground beef, or BBQ sauce to be the first flavor, but no it was the bacon! Not once during the entire burger was the bacon flavor over powered. Every bite was filled with delicious fried pork belly.

That one meal brought back my faith. This small bar served me one of the best bacon burgers I have ever had and they did it with out emptying my wallet. ($6.99 for half pound burger, fries, and coleslaw.) And if this place can do it why can’t Burger King, Applebee’s, or Kraft?

It’s time we stand up for our rights as Bacon Lovers and demand value for our hard earned money. No longer will we pay $5.99 for a bacon burger, to only taste grease! No longer will we buy into the notion that bacon flavoring is as good as real bacon! No longer will we support companies that use marketing ploys to hide their incompetence! And no longer will we stand idly by and watch the bacon we love become a mockery!

Enjoy life; enjoy friendship; and most importantly Enjoy Bacon!

By Sean Brett

Jim Norton Saves a Bad Bacon Experience at the Pittsburgh Improv

It Was The Best Of Times; It Was The Worst Of Times.

In the past week I have experienced both ends of the spectrum when it comes to dining. There were some surprises and a couple firsts for me, both good and bad. Let’s start off with the good.

I went to a restaurant called Eat n’ Park. If you don’t have one of these around your house you have something like it. (Denny’s, Perkin’s, or Shoney’s) It is your typical diner that serves chicken fingers, burgers, meatloaf, and breakfast all day.

I started off by ordering an Iced Tea and this brings us to one of my “firsts”. When it came time to refill my glass the waiter just brought over an entire pitcher and left it at the table. I have been to Eatn’ Park many times and this is not common practice. I’m sure the waiter was doing it to save time and also to be a bit lazy but I had no complaints. As a matter of fact I think this should become the standard for all restaurants. How many times have you sat at your table with an empty glass trying to wave down the wait staff just to get another sprite? By the way, I took this as a challenge and made sure I drank every last drop of the pitcher before leaving.

When it came time to order the main course I went with an Angus Bacon BBQ Cheddar Burger. When the waiter was carrying it to the table my jaw dropped. The bacon was sticking out of both sides of the bun. I stared at the massive strips of bacon in awe. I had never seen such large rashers on a restaurant burger before.

The only down side was that I couldn’t see any BBQ sauce. I even lifted the bun and found nothing. My heart sank, after such a superb service on the drinks I was left with this dry burger. I decided to give it a bite without the sauce only to find that that sauce was indeed there, it was hidden under the cheese and exploded out of the burger like a BBQ land mind.

The flavor was amazing and this was one of the few burgers that I could actually taste the bacon; I would recommend giving it a try. Now on to the bad.

I went to the Pittsburgh Improv to see comedian Jim Norton and was lucky enough to get a seat so close to the stage my knee was touching it. Now I know what your thinking, “nobody goes to a comedy club for the food”, and you would be right, but I thought they would at least be able to cook a burger.

I ordered the Blues Burger cooked medium. It’s two beef patties with blue cheese, bacon, and spicy avocado sauce. When the waitress set it down in front of me I thought, “Ok this is a comedy club so this must be some kind of joke.” Imagine my surprise when learned this wasn’t a clever prank and I was not only expected to eat this thing but also pay for it.

In front of me sat two very small black burnt burgers that didn’t even cover half the bun. On top of the small hockey pucks were two drops of blue cheese about the size of a dime and 4 to 6 bacon bits. I decided to give it a try because you never know it could be good.

Biting into this thing was like chomping down on a brick of charcoal. Now I am by no means a fussy eater but there was no way I could stomach this thing. And since it cost almost 10 dollars and they had already raped me on the price of my soda ($3.50 for a sprite with no refills) I did something I have never done before in my life. I sent it back to the kitchen.

The next burger they brought to me seemed a little better on first inspection. The burgers were the size of the bun but were still lacking in cheese and bacon. I took a bite and for the second time that night I had the biter taste of charcoal in my mouth. I tried to wash it down with my sprite but then realized it would take at least 2 whole glasses and I wasn’t about to drop anymore money in this place. I covered it with ketchup and ate what I could then moved on to the salt covered fries.

Fortunately Jim Norton’s stand up was hilarious (He told me I look like every male nurse that has ever smothered an elderly person.) and he saved what could have been a horrible night. I now know why the 7pm dinner show was half full and the 9pm show had a line going around the block.

If you have had any experiences with bacon, good or bad, feel free to comment or email them to me at sbrett@mrbaconpants.com.

By Sean Brett

The Bacon Rebellion is just around the corner

Chris Stirewalt wrote on the Washingtonexaminer.com a good short article called “ The next Obamacare target: Your Bacon Sandwich.” It talks about the government trying to make salt a controlled substance and how sugar and fat aren’t far behind.

When a company processes food is losses flavor and to make it taste good the flavor must be added back in. This is done with flavor additives that contain large amounts of sodium. Without the salt the products would lack flavor and people wouldn’t want to eat them, causing a drop in sales for large corporations and hopefully raising the sales for small organic farms.

One thing he points out that I never thought about is the fact that the major corporations aren’t about to lose sales and are already looking for a new chemical to replace salt but keep the flavor. This is not a good thing for two reasons. One, every time food companies come up with some new chemical to replace a natural substance it only takes a couple years before people our screaming from the roof tops about how this chemical is going to kill you and we have to stop it. Two, large corporations aren’t going to share this new chemical with the little guy and that means without having access to the new stuff and legally not being able to use salt they will not be able to compete and most likely go out of business.

For some reason the people in control of this country have a real problem with fat people. It might be the fact that in the next ten years everyone will be on the new healthcare system and it’s a way of cutting costs. If that’s a good enough reason to ban salt then it must be good enough reason to ban anything and everything that might someday lead to costly medical bills.

So let’s get rid of anything that could hurt your typical uneducated Neanderthal brained American. I propose we ban: salt, sugar, fat, cigarettes, alcohol, cars, guns, knifes, bows and arrows, bear traps, motorcycles, skate boards, roller blades, ice skates, surfboards, jet skis, snowboards, bicycles, weight benches, Wii controllers, scissors, fire, trampolines, air planes, hang gliders, all sports, electricity, tanning beds, curling irons, sticks and stones, toasters, ladders, trees, fire works, paper, letter openers, staplers, Q-Tips, baby toys, window blinds, wall mounting televisions, over the counter medicine, amusement parks, swimming pools, sling shots, lawn mowers, weed whackers, chain saws, rakes, drills, shovels, hammers, screw drivers, metal, plastic, stairs, elevators, escalators, animals, the Sun, kitchen cabinet doors, tea kettles, insects, rope, teeth, coffee tables with pointy edges, and all free will.

That should make for a safe and healthy America!

By Sean Brett

Bacon is Addicting, so that why I’m 400 Pounds

“It’s not my fault I weight 400 pounds I have an addiction.”

The Scripps Research Institute in Jupiter Florida is claiming that bacon might be as addictive as heroin. They are saying that, fatty snacks trigger the same pleasure center in the brain that drives people to drug addiction. They tested this by feeding rat’s bacon, sausage, and cheesecake and administering an electric shock every time the rats ate the yummy treats. The rats continued eating the bacon and just taking the shock. What does this prove? Apparently, that rats conduct electric better than gold and your average bacon lover is one step away from performing tasteless acts in dark alleys for a rasher.

I am so tired of all these reports coming out claiming that fatty food is addictive. All they’re doing is trying to give people an excuse for being fat and the Government an excuse to tax or ban things.

By saying that it is a disease you are giving people a pass and all that does in encourage more of the same behavior. Next thing you know the Government will get involved and claim that bacon is a controlled substance and must be taxed and if these people are sick then the insurance companies will have to take care of them. That would mean we are going to start having rehab clinics for the morbidly obese.

They could make a TV show out of it for TLC. I can see it now, they wheel up a 600 pound blob of a man and Dr. Drew has to lift every fold of fat looking for smuggled chicken nuggets. There would be many heart to heart talks were the blob would admit that his dad ran out on him when he was five, his priest touched him, his mother beat him, and his only friend was a half eaten pot roast (that is until he ate the rest of it) and that is the reason he eats 2 dozen doughnuts for breakfast.

During a difficult detox session where Jabba is only allowed to consume vitamin water and organic whole wheat Paul Newman brand crackers, he will go insane. Screaming about how his body needs bacon and if he could just get one cup cake it will tide him over. Just before blacking out he will make a break for the door only to fall victim to the dreaded act of running.

Then when it looks like he has his demons under control and he successfully lost 1 pound they would let him go. Only to bring him back next season because McDonalds brought back the McRib and the temptation was too great.

Look, there is no hidden reason why you’re fat. You are fat because you choose to eat a lot and not exercise, that’s it. The whole notion that you have a disease and can’t help yourself is pure bull cucky. If that’s true I ask you this, where are the junk food junkies? The guys that are breaking in to houses just to get at your hohos or the muggings outside of the Burger King drive through line. They don’t exist because the addition doesn’t exist.

If you find that you are over weight do yourself a favor and don’t blame anybody (or anything) but yourself. Once you come to the realization that it is your fault, then and only then can you take on the personal responsibility and change your chubby life.

By Sean Brett