The semi talented Catherine Zeta-Jones has revealed some of her best kept beauty tips. So get out your Hello Kitty note pad and your glow in the dark Bratz pen set, because you’re going to want to remember these.

She conditions her hair with honey and beer, eats an apple or strawberries after every meal to polish her teeth, and rubs her entire naked body with a mixture of honey and salt to moisturize and exfoliate her skin (what ever the F that means.)

This routine brings up a number of questions I have for Zorro’s B. Like, how much does she spend on strawberries a year, what kind of beer gives your hair the best bounce, and why was I not born as a pile of salt?

A very unreliable source informed me of some techniques that Miss Jones is still keeping a secret. Allegedly she cleans her ears with chunky peanut butter, relaxes her feet by dipping her toes in chili, and douches with marshmallow fluff.

This behavior might seem a bit odd or extreme to us common folk but that’s what it takes to be a star.

By Sean Brett

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